Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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