Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
