idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
