we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
