I showed him my bush... on skype.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
