So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Are my feet made of real feet?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
