He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
