I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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