I cannot find my penis.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
