the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
