The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
