I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
