Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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