I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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