I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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