not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
