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I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
