At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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