How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
