he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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