My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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