It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
where am i from again
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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