a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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