I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Randomize
