I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
