I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
