So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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