I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize