At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Randomize
