Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
