I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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