hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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