My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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