totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
