Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
