Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Still dying that you shit outside
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
