Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Randomize
