Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
