my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
