Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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