I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
im six kinds of drunk right now
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
