Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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