What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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