What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
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