dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
