One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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