why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I did not marry a roomba.
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