i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
