So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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