whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
