Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
