He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize