i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
