never play flip cup with pint glasses
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize