i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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