so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
