don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
