I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
