My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
